The "Empire" Strikes Back: An Affair to Forget

Yesterday =The first day of real spring in New York City. The sun is out, along with the big designer sunglasses and open toed summer flats, and the people of new york are smoking an extra pack of cigarettes in order to get out on a break from work into the sunshine. It appears the days of bitter snows are behind us forever. Halleluiah.

Finding myself on the corner of 43rd and 5th avenue on such an exceptionally nice day, an idea strikes me...A free afternoon on the top of the Empire State Building! Sure its cheesy and touristy. But on a great day such as this, an official trip to the top for a small town girl could be delightfully picturesque and memorable, if not slightly cheeky. An image of myself in my fabulous sunglasses, my arms in the air draped over the top of the world, throwing my barrett in the air Mary-Tyler-Moore-style into a blue sky flashes through my mind and suddenly I'm marching up to the line for the ticket counter. There is a lot of empty rope and very little line to buy tickets, so I figure, given that its a Thursday afternoon, I'm in good shape as far as lines go. The wave of nausea that comes over me when the ticket costs 20 dollars passes quickly and I am happily on my way toward what I think is the elevator to the 80th floor.

If you are going to design a tourist trap, be sure to design it with lots of hidden rooms, blind passageways and no windows- kind of like a jail. Take it from the Empire State building. I find myself in the first winding line where all the people I thought stayed at home today are hidden. No big deal, its not a huge line and I already bought a ticket for 20 dollars so there is no way I'm going to bail now - that is enough for 6 big cupcakes from Crumbs and one Martini from the Upper West Side! I get through the first line, leading mysteriously around a sharp corner. bringing me into a hallway, where at the other end I see people getting into the elevators. Hooray! I am so Sleepless in Seattle right now. All I need is a true love and a curling iron! I'm getting really excited now too, because the line seems to be moving pretty fast, so Im strutting toward my place in the elevator. This is where the hidden room comes into play. Mid-strut, I turn the corner to discover that there is a screening room on the way- a whole room full of a winding line- and this one is NOT moving fast at all. Its hot, humid, the few windows that exist are covered in paper and, worst yet, they humiliate you for being stupid enough to stand in a line of this length by forcing you to take a photo against a blue screen as you cross the threshold out of the room 45 minutes later. Some post-modern torture tactic, no doubt. At this point I'm pretty much stuck. I'd really like to bail but the line is so windy and packed, it would be harder to try and make it out through all the non-english speaking tourists (i.e. "Excuse my I believe I am on the brink of an anxiety attack, and I wondered if by any chance I could make it through here to throw up please?" won't do the trick) than to practice stand-up meditation and wait it out. Plus I did pay TWENTY dollars for this.

45 minutes later I am finally at the front, burned out the battery on my ipod and have been fully briefed on the love, work and social lives of every Minnesotan family in line with me, and Im thinking its possible that I have contracted every strain of the common cold out there, with 100+ respiratory systems being shoved up against one another and allowed to ferment. Being by myself and without musical relief I am forced to listen, check my cell phone repeatedly and feel inexcusably sorry for myself. Not only that, but under such mental duress, I find myself increasingly grounchy, orniry and self absorbed--Will this woman back OFF and give me some air space? These people may be stupid enough to wait in line but how did someone like ME end up like this? I LIVE here, after all. When I get to the top I am going to take this great picture of ME and it will all be worth it...

I finally make it to the photo station where they will no doubt not only subject me to walk up there alone with my headphones on, following the japanese family giving each other bunny ears, but then they will ask me to pay 30 dollars for it, with a backdrop of new york superimposed behind me. I decide my dignity must stay in tact. I will not submit to the photo, no indeed. My disobedience causes quite a stir. Evidently the photo coordinator has been instructed not to let any of his captors go without taking a photo. What begins as a "no thanks, I'd rather not" soon turns to "No I do NOT WANT TO", struggling to get by him toward my hard earned freedom in another line. I finally escape after it nearly comes to blows and the entire room is watching me wondering, why wont she just let him take her photo??

The elevators are finally in sight. After another line (which doesnt seem so long or so bad given the photo detention room) I finally make it onto the elevator, packed with other tourists, up to the 80th floor for a 6 minute elevator ride. I end up in the front, and cant wait to be the first to the edge of the observation deck. The elevator doors open (gasp for breath) into ANOTHER room and another line. Turns out we wait here for yet another elevator to take us the remaining 5 floors, and Im surrounded by, suprise suprise, the same minnesotans who just watched me stage a coup d'etat in the photo detention room. And guess what- now I get no cell phone signal. At this point I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I would have paid another 20 dollars just for them to let me down- but no doubt there is another line to get out just as there is to get in- and no space to walk there anyway (the whole room is filled with the line) - the place might be the biggest health hazard in the US and most definately the most uncompliant with fire codes. I start counting backwards, imagining all my happy places, even my back up one which isnt even all THAT happy, and making a list of all the people in line I would sucker punch if I wasnt stuck here in between their elbows, looking up their noses AGAIN.

The second elevator is more crowded, hotter, humid-er, louder and smellier than the first. I end up in the back corner while the attendents are literally pushing people in saying "one more, squeeze, there you go". I'm now, more or less, stark raving mad and visibly agitated, a brand new threat to society cramped up with an elevator of Denny's regulars and mini van purchasers who are cackling loudly, resting on me like I was an armchair, repeating "Well Gee this is one mighty tall building!" and fanning themselves dramatically as if they were the ONLY ones who are hot and uncomfortable right now. God bless America.

The doors open and I've been beaten into submission. Im a withered, sweaty, deflated version of my former self, limping out of my corner, falling over the threshold of the elevator red in the face from asphixiation and heat exhaustion...and I was very thoroughly sorry that I had thrown away the brown paper sack that I recieved with my bagel this morning. I drag myself out onto the observation deck, moved more by the crowd than by my own feet and fumble around blindly for my camera. YES. My picture on the top of the empire state building, AT LAST. I take a few pictures and finally identify someone to be the honorable bearer of this hard earned, expensive picture of me on the empire state building. She takes the camera and goes to shoot, then shakes her head and hands the camera back to me. "Battery exhausted" reads the screen. Superb.

I spent 6.5 minutes on the deck of the empire state building. There is indeed a line to go back down - and at this point I think it might be faster and better for all parties involved to just jump off. As Im waiting in line and passing into the elevator that will bring me back to my senses and my sanity, I hear a tour guide speaking on the microphone avertising a visual map they are selling."The average person spends over an hour to get up here and only 7 minutes on the observation deck. Dont be one of those people, ladies in gentlemen, buy this map and know what you are looking at so you can really spend quality time at the top". Damn, I came in .5 seconds short. After reaching the ground I went straight into the nearest bakery I could find, mourning for the minimum 5 years of my life that i left up on that observation deck. Beware future NY tourists - spend the 20 dollars on pizza.

Below:

My hard-earned souveniers